If you thought the original was funny, well then you simply cannot miss giving this a read!!! For anyone who knows the Witch, the Sports Fanatic, the Teacher or anyone else who happens to live on 'that' street. And since we all love to poke fun at ourselves from-time-to-time, we invite any further comments on the subject ... provided you behave or best beware!

The tale of the Whales and Two Working Girl Astrologers

At our peril let's first approach the subject of The Witch. I met this dreaded individual about 15 years ago as a client. Initially I was faintly suspicious, (can live with that) but when she joined the course as a student I became seriously disturbed (I've got very bad karma). Familiarity with her chart confirmed my worst suspicions and in great trepidation I placed her firmly at the back of the class out of my aura.

You see, she has this strange birthchart which I personally believe is fabricated - stuff like three Ptolomaic planetis in dignity and two in exaltation (I mean, puh-leeze, how nauseating!). This basically only leaves Mars in Cancer in fall in the NINTH, and it's here we arrive at the nefarious coven activities; associating with alien creatures in strange places and howling at the Moon with her cat; probably forced into it by a dysfunctional family. She likes cats, a fact that made me very uneasy from the start.

Not only that, we find things like Libra rising, and Venus and the Moon both in Taurus in the seventh. To my dismay, she kept bringing up revolting issues like FASHION and, even worse, RELATIONSHIPS, and kept asking questions like "How to keep a man?" - "Where and who is my soul mate?" (believe it) - "What about Tantric sex?" - "Is this the one for me?" - "How do I get him to commit?" - "Will you come and speak at a WOMAN'S breakfast club on VENUS?" - "What are my colours and gemstones?"

She rambled on incessantly about matters utterly foreign to my benign astrological nature, until I realised that she comes from another planet, probably Nibiru, or Vulcan, or Hogswart. Then she has this sister, another witch, who cast spells so successfully that she became a well-known fashion icon and was once photographed with HER cat. It's all just too much and I now fear for my sanity. When she decided to do the course a second time I was reduced to mere ectoplasm.

From that moment on, I've followed a strict screening process with new students. After purifying the environment with bell, book and candle, their charts are minutely scrutinised under a powerful microscope; they are frisked on arrival for cats and broomsticks; then it's a full body search (every cavity); then the Myer-Briggs test to establish lurking insanity; then they are given 12 labours to perform.

The crunch came when The Witch joyfully brought to class the chart of the NEW MAN who is clearly a closet member of the Scorpion Squad, or runs the Mafia, or is a Klingon. He covers up by acting like a sports fanatic (who occasionally adds up columns of figures), but we are not fooled, oh no (Sagittarius rising - liar, liar, pants on fire). But let me tell you, sane reader, about his CHART.

In the house which is not t be named (I whisper softly in your ear - the twelfth) are 101 planets in SCORPIO, and the remainder are in the thirteenth sign (yes, Opiachus) - I rest my case! This alien creature is the third force, St Germaine still roaming the earth, or at the very least, the Marquis de Sade reincarnated (my vote still goes to Klingon); and definitely from another planet - probably Mephisto, or Vampiria, or a black hole. Forget that Pisces Moon, a mere obfuscation. All Pisceans are gentle, loving, wise and divine beings.

But, my dear, the horror is not yet over. Before you could shake a crucifix at this unholy alliance, the ghostly pair had moved into a house in my street, ACROSS THE ROAD. They are surrounded by cats, and black phallic bikes, and a witch's familiar (laughingly called a domestic worker) who looks exactly like Topsy in "Gone with the Wind". I am deeply suspicious. You will now agree with me that my karma is unrelentingly malefic. What was I to do? Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!

I hastily consulted my astrological angels, those sadly overworked entities and, on their instructions, in the dead of the night, at the stroke of midnight, muttering incantations, I drove a wooden stake into the ground at their front gate. You have been warned.